Women in Negotiation

“Ty Gitou?”

A young woman stood in the doorway of Tyler’s office. Tyler came out from behind his desk to greet her.

“Yes, hello. I am Tyler Gitou. How can I help you?”

“My name is Janice Lumere. My friend Kevin Delclinchy is in sales with the company. He said you were the Deal Whisperer and you might be able to give me some advice on how to become a better negotiator.”

“I’d be delighted to speak with you,” Tyler said. “Please sit down. What are the issues you are dealing with?”

Janice sat in one of two chairs in front of Tyler’s desk. Tyler sat in the one next to her.

“Well, nothing just yet. I just got a job in the sales group and wondered if you had any advice on how to talk with potential clients. Most of the people I am working with are older and usually they are…”

“Male.” Tyler said. He smiled. “Let me compliment you on two points. First, your ability to recognize the fact that there is a difference between men and women in how they sell and negotiate. As much as we try to convince ourselves that we are all equal, women truly do have more hurdles to overcome when negotiating with men and other women. Second, your desire to address and overcome the problem. For someone so early in her career you are showing great maturity in taking action to resolve issues that might limit your success. Many young professionals believe that when they ask for help it is a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a sign of strength when you leverage others’ skills and knowledge to make an organization more successful.”

“Thank you,” Janice said. “Kevin spoke highly of you and I can already see why. So what are the differences and what can I do to address them?”

“There are many and we can’t cover them all in one conversation. But let me give you a start. First, when I say the word ‘negotiation’ what adjectives pop into your head?”

Janice thought a moment. “Difficult; confrontational; demanding…”

“And why do you have that perception when you think about negotiation?”

“Because I need to win and the other side wants to win and I have to overcome some overly aggressive male in order to succeed.”

“And what if you can’t overcome this challenging man?”

“I guess I have to hold my ground as long as I can and then in the end give in for the relationship.”

Tyler laughed. “That’s perfect. You have articulated a universal perception many young women and men have about negotiation. The difference is in what women and men typically view as the ideal outcome of that ‘competition’. The studies I have read on this topic say that women are challenged by a cultural barrier that causes them to believe that negotiation is confrontational. Because women generally focus more on relationship they often won’t counter an offer or ask for more because it might create a negative perception of them as ‘difficult” or ‘pushy’ thereby hurting the relationship. Their negotiation style then often runs from ‘compete’ to ‘accommodate’. Make a demand to get some movement but stop and concede before it might hurt the relationship.”

“That all resonates with me. I feel like I have been through that scenario. So what do I do about it?”

“Come see me next week and we will discuss two elements a Deal Whisperer uses to build a collaborative sales and negotiation environment: legitimacy and perceptions. If we focus on those two first, you will soon find yourself a more confident salesperson and negotiator.”

(See "Women in Negotiation Part 2.")
 http://dealwhisperers.blogspot.com/2011/11/women-in-negotiation-part-2.html

Say Something

Tyler Gitou was sitting in his office when Verdi walked in and flopped into a chair.

“How are the negotiations going, Verdi?” Tyler asked.

“Hard,” Verdi sighed. “The other negotiation team seems to be… mad at me!”

Tyler set his glasses on the desk. “Why are they mad?”

“I don’t know!” Verdi said. “But every time I say something, one of their team members snaps at me, then another snaps at me. It’s really tense in there.”

“Why don’t you say something? Ask what the problem is,” Tyler said. “When you go back into the room, open with, ‘Before we get started, I just wanted to ask if there is some problem I need to be aware of. It feels like there’s a lot of tension in the room and your team may be upset with me about something.’”

Verdi jumped up. “Thanks, Mr. Gitou. I will try that.”

Two hours later Tyler saw Verdi getting a cup of coffee. “How did your afternoon session go?” Tyler asked.

“It went great, thanks. I did just as you said. I asked why everyone seemed so tense. Nobody said anything, but it was like watching air come out of a balloon; everyone on the other side of the table exhaled and seemed to relax. There was never an explanation of why they were tense in the first place!”

Tyler nodded. “I’m glad it worked out. There is a concept in psychology called ‘social proof’. It’s the influencing effect we feel when others do something and we feel we have to follow. Like at a performance when the audience rises to give a standing ovation. You may not think the performance warrants a standing ovation, but you feel compelled to stand rather than be the one person sitting down. Sometimes, when you’re in a group for too long, a social proof-type dynamic builds. Pretty soon everyone starts behaving the same way, though they don’t know why.

“Sounds like a ‘pile on’ effect,” Verdi said.

“It was in your case. Someone in the room, probably the lead negotiator or other authority figure, said or did something that was sharply critical of your team. When someone with more information or authority behaves a certain way, others around him or her will follow that behavior because they don’t have enough information to know what they should do. Once the lead person on the other team established ‘This is how we will talk to Verdi’s team’ that behavior continued and compounded.”

“Until I asked the critical question, ‘Why are you all doing this?’ No one had an answer, and it just stopped,” Verdi said.

“Exactly,” Tyler said. “This is why I always say, ‘prepare and aware.’ A lot of people prepare for their negotiations, but once in the room they don’t maintain awareness of how the emotional dynamic is changing. To keep both parties collaborative and unconditionally constructive, a Deal Whisperer stays aware of group mood swings. And if the emotions seem to be headed off-track, don’t be afraid to say something. When the parties share a common goal, everyone appreciates someone who keeps the group focused on achieving the goal. That’s the role of the Deal Whisperer.”

(For an amusing example of social proof in action, watch this video from the old Candid Camera TV show.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sicoCkUZ-dk